Many columnists will tell you how to thrive in retirement, the Fred Flintstone yabba dabba doos.
Baby Boomers, however, because life has changed so much in the last half century, may need the yabba dabba don’ts.
Don’t ask for free road maps at service stations or for an attendant to check the oil, unless you want to be looked at as if you have three eyeballs.
Don’t put out booby traps for door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen. Encyclopedias have gone the way of the dodo bird. And don’t ask your grandkids if you can borrow their R-S edition (“rats” to “sympathetic”).
Never read messages from financial advisers on Facebook saying you need $3 million to retire. Face facts. You’d have $3 million only if you got together with 29 of your closest, most personal friends and formed a retirement commune complete with free-ranging chickens.
Don’t play Four Square, hopscotch or jacks. If you do, you’ll be playing medical bill dodgeball.
Don’t ride in the back of a car without seatbelts. This might have been legal when you were a kid, but you are too old now to become a projectile.
Never buy a car with no air conditioning. Who needs a sauna in summer? You may have survived this as a kid, but you have built enough character.
Don’t wear go-go boots to the senior center dance. You might think you have “good legs,” but others will see them as tree stumps and count the wrinkle rings.
Don’t hang a rifle in the back window of your pickup truck. In the old days, people knew you were shooting varmints. Now such a move will cause a SWAT team to descend on your house, complete with Army surplus tanks and bazookas, which will alarm the neighbors no end.
Never wear wide ties, high socks and polyester pants. Perhaps you are not a subscriber to Fashion Digest magazine, but these clothes went out of fashion during Jimmy Carter’s presidency.
Don’t set down your glasses or perch them on top of your head. You may never find them again.
Don’t ask directions to the nearest Radio Shack, Blockbuster, Kmart or Shopko. You’ll wind up in a deserted parking lot the size of Walla Walla County.
Never eat another TV dinner. The frozen mashed potatoes or the red hot cherry pie could cause a medical emergency, not recommended during a pandemic.
Never fill up your backyard bomb shelter with cement. You never know when it might come in handy.
Don’t throw away the 5,001 plastic grocery bags in the garage. You never know when your state might ban them in the interest of the environment and return to paper, which they banned in the interest of the environment 30 years ago.
Never play ZZ Top music at less than full volume. (This is a good way to get to know your neighbors, which is important in a civil society.)
Never worry about running marathons or climbing mountains. Just be happy if you can put your underwear on without losing your balance.